Friday, November 7, 2008

The tough questions

A little history.
My father in law passed away a year ago this month.
He owned an El Camino, the "cruck" we call it.  
He left it to D, and D has been driving it quite a bit lately.
This morning N asked "Momma, when are we going to give Poppa back his truck?  When he gets out of the hospital?"  
I said: "No, poppa's not in the hospital any more, he's in heaven now, remember he died?"  
He said: "Why did he die?"
I said: " Sometimes people get sick and their bodies wear out.  He is in heaven now with Jesus remember?" All the time trying not to associate hospital's with dying since E has been in and out of the hospital so many times.
He said: "I miss Poppa"

It's interesting the things he remembers and talks about.  He hasn't spoken about Poppa in months, I wasn't sure if he remembered, or knew that he had died.  We didn't take him to any of the funeral events because we weren't sure he would understand and we didn't want to cause him any trauma.  But I wondered about our decision then, and still do kind of.  I wonder if it would have helped him understand the concept.  Or does a child need to understand death at such a young age?  I don't really think so.

E has witnessed it in his life.  Wonder what he remembers? If anything?

Sometimes N will say things like "My oopia (Ethiopia) mom used to sing this song to me, or my oopia mom said this, or I did this when I was in oopia."  Since he he did not spend time with her, at least that we know of, I wonder if these are memories, or things he wished he remembered?  

Not too long ago, after we got home with E, N packed up a little bag and said he was going to go visit his oopia mom, and he would see me soon.  I asked him how he was going to get there and he said walk, it wasn't that far. I told him it was too far to go, but that someday we would try to visit her.  He then talked about missing her for weeks afterwards.  It broke my heart.  Not because I didn't want him to miss her, but that he longed for her, and that life that had been changed so drastically coming here.  It's what makes me sad about what my boys will not have.

I think of all the really cool, and interesting things they will get to experience here, I mean heck they have already been on a plane and flown across the world.  But then I too mourn the things they will never know, or memories that will fade. 

I know the questions will get harder, and the answers not always easy.  What I can say with honesty is that they were both loved tremendously and that the decision for them to be placed was not made easily.  That the love we have for their families is great, and the respect immeasurable.  

Life holds questions we may never be able to answer, wouldn't it be SO much easier if we had all the answers?

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