pondering

What a week.

A week of sorrow and of joy.  Of fear and triumph.  Of pleading and of listening.

Last Friday we were officially on our way to getting Little E.  On Monday things turned incredibly upside down and on Tuesday it was close to bottom.  I am a person that loves roller coasters, but this is a ride I wanted no part of.  Tuesday night had D, S and I circled in our living room crying and praying for our Little E.  Our son.  The one we don't know physically but has become part of us somehow.   Wednesday morning we had news that he was better and Friday even better.  Look at the miracle God performed.  Look what our prayers and petitions did.  So many of you prayed, even when we didn't know it.  And other's of you we may never know prayed.  

I believe that E is meant for something wonderful.  Not just to be part of our family but to make it 'bigger'  I don't mean in numbers but in the spiritual sense.  

Today D and I were talking about N and how our lives are so much different. But not in a bad way.  In such an incredibly good way.  He asked me if I could imagine our lives without him.  I said I didn't even want to try.  I feel like I can't wait to get E here so that we can see the wonderful things he will bring to us.  How much bigger he will make our world, how incredibly small it was before....

I was told that we were enlarging our territory as in the prayer of Jabez.  I have read the prayer and the book, but never actually though God would do it.  My goodness has He!!!  There are days when my territory seems so LARGE and then others when it's SO SMALL.    Days like Tuesday when my E was in the hospital, comatose and in critical condition... and here I was half way across the world and not a thing I could do about it.  I couldn't fix it.  

There is so much I want to do, so many things I want to change.  So many things I want to make better.  I want to shout from the roof tops... don't you see?  Don't you see the pain, why aren't we doing more?  Why does it take a music show to share sensational pictures for us to take action.  Why aren't we doing more.  Why are these children still waiting... still going to bed without a mom and a dad, why are they still dying from things that they should not be dying from?!  What do I do?  What can I do?  WHY are pharmaceutical companies not being made to pay for the millions of people they let die?  Why do we let them get away with it?  

Ok, stepping down.  I just get so sad.  I wish I could fix it, I wish I could make it better.  

I want to save the world.