I will admit to being totally afraid of being able to love him like my 2 bio children. I was confident that God would give me what I needed but, I tend to get in the way so I was a bit worried.
I will also admit that those first few months home I was more afraid my fears would come to fruition. Think toddler on steroids. Our N has a huge personality, and a stubborn streak a mile wide, and a killer toddler defiant stare that would cause a saint to wanna curse. He was a favorite at his orphanage so he was very much catered to, and when we didn't cater he wasn't a happy boy.
There were many nights that rocked him to sleep that I would just cry and pray for God to give me the heart to love N like He did.
And as usual He is a God that answers prayers in ways that sometimes we can't even imagine. My N is not only the most stubborn but has the biggest clown streak. At the dinner table he would just randomly start making faces at us. I can't tell you how many times I would think "I have GOT to set up a camera and film him during a meal" I still think it... hhhmm maybe I should just do it. He has SUCH a zest for life. He never walks anywhere, and hardly ever speaks in an "inside voice" not because of hearing issues but because everything excites him. He will say "Mommy I love you" one thousand times a day ... at random times. ( I almost feel badly about this because I get the I love you's the most) ;o)
He comes up with the most random pieces of wisdom, I really wish I were the kind that could remember them all, but there are so many.
We look at each other many times a day and just marvel at how we were SO blessed to get this little guy in our lives.
He has NO fear of water, he loves the pool and the beach. The beach gives him a plae to exercise the imagination that has no bounds.
He loves to sing "Blessed be the Name" and even will perform "concerts". He is so musically gifted.
My N is a gift. I don't have a clue what I did to deserve him, and many days I feel sad that I am not the best mother I could be. But God answered my prayer, I love this kid. With all that I have. I wouldn't know what to do without him. Just like I have no idea what I would do without either of my other 2.
I am prepared for the feelings I may have for E when he gets home. But I also feel as though I will see him a bit differently. Not because he's better in any sense, but because I have grown with my N, I have become a better person because I know him, and because I had to learn things about me that I wasn't ready to learn, but am glad I did. I have SO much more to learn and I look forward to the lessons.
Thank you N for loving mommy and for being in our lives.