What if?

What if?

The last month or so has been exhausting…

N’s behavior has been challenging to say the least. If there’s a button he will push it, a boundary he will cross it, a rule he will break it and an argument to be had, he will have it. I believe he would argue with a rock!

Nothing we have tried has seemed to work. Just in the last couple of days we have found what we think to be the culprit. Piecing a couple of things together we think we found the reason, so now we have to try to figure out how to help him …and us through it.

It’s really been hard in us all. The thing is that he doesn’t do any of it to be bad. He’s acting out…it’s just so very hard on us all…him included... to work through.

So the other day S was having the ‘what if?’ discussion with a friend of hers…’what if we didn’t have the boys?’ N in particular. I wasn’t pleased to hear it at first, I mean what kind of discussion is that to have about your siblings? But then I heard that she hadn’t started it, and that she came to the conclusion that she would not like to know what life would be like with out either of them. As hard as it’s been in our house over the last couple of months she’s not interested in knowing what it would be like without them in her life.

After speaking to her my mind went there…what WOULD it be like without them? Perhaps we would have more money, more time, less conflict, more quiet time, more date nights…then I stopped and began to think of all the things we would have missed…would be missing.

Things like dimples you could fall into, full body hugs, the constant marvel at how little boy brains work, joyous “Good morning”s and “I love you”’s, funny little faces, cuddle time on the couch watching a movie, splashing in the ocean at the beach, soccer games and games of go fish. I would not have met some of the most important people in my life …my best friend, my soul sister, my adoption mom girls…we would not have family in a country that is now as much a part of my heart as the one we live in.

I would not have thought to lead a mission trip to Ethiopia, or met the people that are now etched in my soul. I would not be working on another trip…praying about even more permanent involvement there.

So we move forward, we keep praying, we keep searching for the ways we can help N cope with the current upset. We keep working towards the goal that will help him be comfortable in his own skin.

So when I think ‘what if?’ … I shudder…