Monday, March 8, 2010

Crazy Emotional

So honestly I have been so crazy emotional about our upcoming trip.

It's so different than what I felt when we were getting ready to go get our boys. With the boys I had D with me, I had some inkling (is that how you spell that?) of what to expect. I only had D and I to worry about, other than our new addition.

I have not forgotten how hard and scary the trip for E was, but this is different.

I can't really pin point what the emotions are.... fear, excitement, joy, trepidation, unworthiness....so many different feelings.

I feel like I am going to forget something huge, or say something wrong, or not say something right.

I am not usually so 'lost' as to what to do with myself.

What I think I fear the most is the feeling that I am not doing enough. I ALREADY feel like there is more that I should, could be doing... what happens when I get over there and get even more convicted? Will God show me what to do? Will He open a door I hadn't seen before? Will He tell me to just come home and love my own family better? (I already need to do that one)

**Went to take a walk while writing this and had a conversation with my mom**

A little background with mom...
A while ago I sent her a copy of our agency newsletter because a picture of E was in it. There is also a picture of a little boy named Biruk in it. We met him in ET when we were picking up E. He came running to us as soon as we walked into the Layla compound asking "Are you his new parents? Are you taking him home?" Biruk is sweet, loving, engaging and and 10 yrs old. He sat with us while we ate lunch and helped to feed E. Biruk has stolen my mother's heart. She keeps asking about him. She's no longer of the adopting age, not that she would at this point, but she's taken with him.

She and I talked about the upcoming trip, about my emotions and hers. I asked her if she would come with me on the trip way back when I started the process. She said no. She knew she would not be able to 'deal'. And she still feels that way.

I don't condemn her for that at all. I think there are so many people that can't 'deal' with the hurt of the world. They feel it already and can't push past that part of them that just can't do more physically. The thing about my mom is that she does so much here to help those that she can't touch in person. She feeds the homeless, she organizes food pantries, she works with the women of her church to put together food packets for the United Methodist Church. She supports my efforts with love, presence and money. She can't come along but she can do everything in her power to support me and the children of Ethiopia from where she is.

She asked me to take Biruk a gift. I don't know that I can. But I will try.

The thing that hurts my heart I guess is that there are SO many "Biruk's" out there. I told her that I wasn't sure I would make it to Layla while there this time, but that I knew I would find some new faces and hearts to love while I am there.

So as I got off the phone with her, I was still crazy emotional. Still wondering what God has planned, what He is going to show me.

6 comments:

blessedmomto8 said...

You have such a beautiful heart Andrea! God will be in you and beside you the entire way. It would be cool if your mom could join you but I understand. If God is with you..Who can be against you? HUGS!

James 1:27 Family said...

Praying for God's peace to flow over you. "He has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and a sound mind." May your fears be washed away, sweet mommy.

God Bless you!
Amy

Andrea H. said...

Oh Andrea, this post made me cry, I don't know why. Probably of the beautiful way you described your mommy. Oh PLEASSSE tell her I would love for her to mail it to me and I can take a present or whatever she wants him to have. Are you sure she is too old? Maybe you could adopt him for her? You know God has amazing things planned for you on this trip and yes this trip is so very different because now your going to see the suffereing even more first hand, plus you are leading. It will take you months to get over your mission trip. I know adoption trips are amazing but mission trip are so deep. God just works at you at your deepest place... I will be praying for you and keep up all the emotions because they only gonna get worse (but I mean that in a good way) still so sad I cannot join you. Bless you and your momma!

Cat said...

Thank you for sharing. It is all so confusing and scary and wonderful and terrible at the same time. I pray that you can just keep your heart open. It sure seems like God has big plans for you... ;o) What an exciting time!

Tammy said...

This post stirred all kinds of emotions in me - crying here. Andrea - your words are pure and touching - you write directly from your heart. Can't wait to see what God has in store for you and your group in Ethiopia.

Our journey following Christ said...

Andrea,

This is EXACTLY the same way I felt when we were there and were told we had the opportunity to go to Korah (the leper colony). Of course, there was NO way I could pass up an opportunity like THAT, but I was filled with uncertainty and fear, too.

We were to go the next day and I awoke at 2am and I wrestled with God the rest of the night. I cried, I prayed, I listened to worship music, I sang and I cried some more.

I was afraid to be broken once again. I didn't know if I could handle it, especially with my 2 daughters there with me. I needed to be strong for them. God had broken my so much over the past year, could I handle it again?

Well, when we arrived in Korah it was a heartbreaking experience to be sure, but God didn't let me fall apart. I felt challenged to make a difference in that place. I still feel that way.

God gave me so much strength when I needed it. I totally understand why you feel that way. Completely.

I really do believe, Andrea that the same thing will happen for you when you go. There is always a degree of sadness to see such poverty but God will give you a challenge because He KNOWS your heart and KNOWS that you will take action.

All this to say, "Do not fear." You're going to be surprised!

Love,
Laura