So honestly I have been so crazy emotional about our upcoming trip.
It's so different than what I felt when we were getting ready to go get our boys. With the boys I had D with me, I had some inkling (is that how you spell that?) of what to expect. I only had D and I to worry about, other than our new addition.
I have not forgotten how hard and scary the trip for E was, but this is different.
I can't really pin point what the emotions are.... fear, excitement, joy, trepidation, unworthiness....so many different feelings.
I feel like I am going to forget something huge, or say something wrong, or not say something right.
I am not usually so 'lost' as to what to do with myself.
What I think I fear the most is the feeling that I am not doing enough. I ALREADY feel like there is more that I should, could be doing... what happens when I get over there and get even more convicted? Will God show me what to do? Will He open a door I hadn't seen before? Will He tell me to just come home and love my own family better? (I already need to do that one)
**Went to take a walk while writing this and had a conversation with my mom**
A little background with mom...
A while ago I sent her a copy of our agency newsletter because a picture of E was in it. There is also a picture of a little boy named Biruk in it. We met him in ET when we were picking up E. He came running to us as soon as we walked into the Layla compound asking "Are you his new parents? Are you taking him home?" Biruk is sweet, loving, engaging and and 10 yrs old. He sat with us while we ate lunch and helped to feed E. Biruk has stolen my mother's heart. She keeps asking about him. She's no longer of the adopting age, not that she would at this point, but she's taken with him.
She and I talked about the upcoming trip, about my emotions and hers. I asked her if she would come with me on the trip way back when I started the process. She said no. She knew she would not be able to 'deal'. And she still feels that way.
I don't condemn her for that at all. I think there are so many people that can't 'deal' with the hurt of the world. They feel it already and can't push past that part of them that just can't do more physically. The thing about my mom is that she does so much here to help those that she can't touch in person. She feeds the homeless, she organizes food pantries, she works with the women of her church to put together food packets for the United Methodist Church. She supports my efforts with love, presence and money. She can't come along but she can do everything in her power to support me and the children of Ethiopia from where she is.
She asked me to take Biruk a gift. I don't know that I can. But I will try.
The thing that hurts my heart I guess is that there are SO many "Biruk's" out there. I told her that I wasn't sure I would make it to Layla while there this time, but that I knew I would find some new faces and hearts to love while I am there.
So as I got off the phone with her, I was still crazy emotional. Still wondering what God has planned, what He is going to show me.