Weakness...

Do you ever have those days?

When the 'human' in you slips in and takes over. Steals your joy and peace?

I have had 2 of those...perhaps it's being snowed in and stir crazy, although I have actually enjoyed it. Or maybe it's hormones?

My arms have been hurting for a sweet baby girl again. I am still standing on God's promise that He will provide, but the last 2 days have been hard.

Because we have been snowed in D and I have been cleaning and purging. We did the boys play room, their dressers, as well as the closets and dressers in our room.

My first task was the boy's dressers. E's in particular because his was kind of small and over flowing with clothes that he keeps growing out of. As I was pulling out all those little clothes I was suddenly emotional. No more little boys to save these clothes for. :o( The love and joy that went into buying those clothes for our little men. They aren't tiny any more. They are growing...and growing.

I wondered as I packed, would there be a little girl to buy for someday?

I got a surprise and wonderful call from a sweet friend asking if I was ok. As we spoke, she said something that struck a chord in me. I wondered if my desire for another child was a selfish one (she didn't imply that I was, in any way) ... but does my desire stem from me...or from God? Thank you for the call!!! It was so great to hear your voice!

I have truly felt this desire was from God, as He's the only one that could have put the desire for more kids in our hearts back in the very beginning. Remember, we had teens at home, we were ready to be empty nesters. :o)

Last night D and I were out looking for a book that he needs for the new Bible Study that he's doing. We walked into the Christian book store and the song on the over head was "God of This City". I had to go into the corner to pretend I was looking at pictures so I could compose myself. Weird. When we got out to the van, D asked what was wrong. I told him that he probably didn't want to know. He pressed, so I just said "Some days are harder than others". He said nothing but held my hand the whole way home.

There is perhaps a bonus to all this longing, my boys are getting all kinds of extra lovin'. Not that I didn't love on them before but every time they pass by I grab 'em and smooch 'em. :o)

I am still working on keeping the peace that God had given me. Life is ramping up. Mission team is getting busy as we get to our last steps. Mission Committee is focusing our efforts on Haiti relief. Kids are busy in school. N will be in soccer soon. Work is getting busy and God has so truly blessed me with the ability to work from home when I need to.

Life is good. I am happy and I am blessed. Some days I am weak. I continue to trust in Him, and His plan for our lives.

ETA:

After I wrote the above, I went to my inbox to find the devotion below. Thank you God for providing in the times that I need them!

February 02, 2010

Eliminating Doubt John C. Richards Jr. Tap! Tap! Tap! All of sudden, the once rowdy group came to order. The crowd's chatter died down. It was time to start the show. The maestro had arrived and the concert was to begin. There's just something about the presence of a maestro. His presence brings order out of chaos. It signifies the beginning of a wonderful musical masterpiece. The atmosphere becomes reverent when he shows up. He demands respect that is comparable to that of a king's coronation. Jesus is no different. He has the ability to make order out of chaos and to qualm all fears. He also has the uncanny ability to eliminate doubt in our lives. How does this happen? It happens when we follow orchestral protocol. The word 'maestro' is Italian in origin and means 'master or teacher.' Jesus is often referred to in scripture as master or teacher. He, in essence, is the Great Maestro in our lives, tapping on the strings of our hearts to bring to order the chaos in our lives. One of the amazing things about a maestro is his ability to maintain eye contact with his ensemble. Eye contact represents attentiveness. Any good date, interview, or business interaction is characterized by great eye contact throughout. Christ is attentive to every one of our needs; so much so that he will supply each and every one of them (Philippians 4:19). However, our own doubt causes us to lose eye contact with our Great Maestro. Peter was well aware of this fact. In Matthew's Gospel he found himself walking on water (See Matthew 14:28-31). However, his inability to maintain eye contact caused him to doubt the very thing that Jesus already told him that he could do. Eye contact with Jesus was so key when Peter walked on the Sea of Galilee that when it was lost, Peter began to sink. Many times we can get bogged down in the waves of life and forget about the necessity of eye contact. How am I going to pay this bill? Splish. Will I ever get married? Splash. When can I start a job in the field in which I really want to work? Splash. Ask any tight rope walker and they will tell you: the key to reaching your destination is found in your ability to keep your eye on the goal. Don't look down. The apostle Paul said it best: We are called to “press toward [our] goals...” (Philippians 3:14). Maintaining eye contact with Jesus is important when trying to eliminate doubt. Even the best musician in an orchestra can wind up being a failure if he misses his cue from the maestro. Without that visual cue, the orchestra member begins to doubt his/her role in the composition. Where are your eyes? Where is your focus? Are you beginning to doubt your role in God's great composition? I want to encourage you to refocus on the One who wrote the piece and knows your role better than anyone else. It is then, and only then, that you can begin to eliminate doubt in your life and live the life that God has called you to live. You play an important role in God's work. Without you, the harmony is slightly off. Without you, the composition is incomplete. Stay focused, give the Maestro your undivided attention, and watch the masterpiece unfold before your eyes. John C. Richards, Jr.