Grief

I have struggled.

Seriously, struggled these last several months.

I can't begin to describe to you how I have felt other than unhinged, emotional, and unsteady.

When we found out in December that it was possible that we would not be A's parents it kicked into high gear. The waiting and wondering, the praying, the crying out to God... the feeling that my heart was being ripped from my chest.

If God had not set into motion a relationship a year ago that's flourished into one of family and love... then A would not be now moving into court submission.

I have text a few friends truly concerned that I just could not get a handle on my sadness and ache for all that is in Ethiopia. I am a momma with her arms empty of 2 beautiful boys who I know and love. Have met and hugged and kissed and had call me mom. I have seen their smiles, and tears... I have seen them interact with their friends and nannies. I have watched them with my big A's. They have been grafted into my heart... and they are not here.

I grieve what they will miss. I grieve what they will no longer have. I grieve the special bond that is between Ethiopian people.

Yesterday I had an aha moment.

I believe I grieve so strongly because my boys are going to need me to understand. They are going to grieve it too. They will on a level I will never understand.... but I KNOW... a tiny piece of it. This is some ways gives me comfort... to know that perhaps there is a purpose to my own pain... yet it makes the ache for them that much deeper.

My boys are going to need someone here to GET that what they miss is a piece of their being.

B with his boundless energy and sweet shy smile... and A with his soft voice and sweet demeanor... will for sure have many wonderful opportunities here... but it doesn't replace what they will no longer have.

They will no longer be in an orphanage you say? Well no, they won't but those people have been their family for more than 3 yrs each... they have bonds... they have roots...they have family there. It's sure not the same as family, but it's what they know.

So I am learning to embrace the grief... feel and cry myself through it.. because my boys are going to need me to cry with them ... grieve with them. And we will heal and grow through it.