Mothers and Daughters

Relationships between mother’s and daughter’s can be fraught with so many different kinds of emotions.

I have a great relationship with my mom. She’s amazing. It’s not always been that way though… I mean she’s always been amazing, I just didn’t always treat her that way. Not sure why… dumb teenager with dumb hormones and way too selfish in my thinking I guess.

As I have grown so has my appreciation for her. She has more creativity in her little finger than I have in my whole body. She’s the kind of person that still sends people cards, just because. She will show up to all the kids games and presentations and is the grandmother that makes cookies, and fills the sink with water so you can give your Raptosaurus (My Niece’s fave) a bath.

I am a keep it together kind of gal. I don’t usually cry at the drop of a hat. I used to think it was a personality flaw, but now I just accept it. The thing is that if mom cries I cry… if mom gets emotional I do. I can be holding it together no problem and I will look at my mom and the water works just gush. It’s the same with her… no clue why that is, but it sometimes makes it hard to share things of importance with each other.

She is with my grandparents right now. My little tiny grandmother is in the end stages of heart failure. She was admitted to the hospital on Monday with a pulmonary edema and it damaged her heart further. She now only has about 15% use of her heart which then escalates the dementia that had already begun. She doesn’t have long left on the earth with us.

She is facing the death of her mother…

My dad called to tell me that mom may try to call but she wasn’t sure she would because then she would cry…lol Crying in and of itself isn’t a bad thing, but there are times when opening the flood gates seems harder than holding it inside. She knows I am here, I know she is there… and we know we can’t talk to each other…lol

I hurt for her as she watches her mother die… because I know someday that will be me.

Will you pray with her, and with me…and with my grandfather who loves her so?

SO sweet...

Pruning...

Quiet blogger alert….

So I have been in a season of pruning for a bit. And since parts of it aren’t pretty I have chosen not to share so much here. Shocking! I know because I tend to be more honest on here than I really should be…

Let’s just say that God is doing a work in me… daily, hourly... minute-ly (sorry it isn’t a word, but it fit) :) It has to do with love, loving my neighbor and myself. I don’t have any issue loving Ethiopia, the people I met and loved there, worrying over the children and my new friends… I forget those right here in my own home… ouch!

There are several proverbs and psalms involved…and a verse from Matthew about a bushel and a light. I believe somewhere along the way I allowed satan to place a bushel over my light… I need it removed.

Most of my pruning has come in the form of learning about keeping my mouth closed and praying before speaking.

Life is good… that’s not the issue. N has improved a lot since our talk with him about some things, E is strong and healthy, D and I are going strong… S and Z are great. The mission trip is coming along…

I actually really appreciate this season of pruning because I need to get rid of some JUNK and find that place of joy again. He’s showing me how.

So… I may be quiet for a bit. You know, that whole, shut up and listen thing.

I will try to take some pics of the kids though and share them in the quiet. They are way way better than my random thoughts anyway. :)

If He Plans It They Will Come

Have you seen the movie field of dreams? There’s this guy, and he hears a ‘voice’ that says to him “If you build it they will come.” It’s referring to a baseball field…in the middle of a corn field. So the guy builds it, while people think he’s nuts. And ‘they’ come. It’s a bit like Noah’s story, God said build it and he listened, and they came.

This line, slightly altered has been running through my head lately… “If He plan’s it they will come.” I am not hearing a voice :) Just realizing that as I plan this next trip that He will work out the details and they are certainly coming!!

We are having our next meeting this Wednesday and we have had to make the decision that the first 20 people that get their paperwork and deposit in will be the one’s to come along. I think it’s an amazing issue to have to put a cap on the amount of people that actually want to come along!

What I have been stressing about though is the logistics. I know God will work it out, but my mind still struggles with the details. I have been reading Ordinary Hero’s blog. They are in Ethiopia now. Reading about their work is making me miss it so much! As I read I think of all the things I can’t wait to do while there… and I have to reign myself in knowing that He’s got a plan. I have been feeling like we have to focus on some specific projects and then try to get to some of the other things. With 20 people we will have to have something to keep everyone busy. We have several builders coming along and I would really like to be able to utilize their skills even if the building there is way different than here.

I can’t wait to see what He does!!! Please continue to pray as there’s still some resistance. It’s hardest kind to deal with because it’s underhanded and sly…not the kind you can directly address. You know how satan is… ;) God’s been giving me continued peace about it though, I know who’s really in charge!

What if?

What if?

The last month or so has been exhausting…

N’s behavior has been challenging to say the least. If there’s a button he will push it, a boundary he will cross it, a rule he will break it and an argument to be had, he will have it. I believe he would argue with a rock!

Nothing we have tried has seemed to work. Just in the last couple of days we have found what we think to be the culprit. Piecing a couple of things together we think we found the reason, so now we have to try to figure out how to help him …and us through it.

It’s really been hard in us all. The thing is that he doesn’t do any of it to be bad. He’s acting out…it’s just so very hard on us all…him included... to work through.

So the other day S was having the ‘what if?’ discussion with a friend of hers…’what if we didn’t have the boys?’ N in particular. I wasn’t pleased to hear it at first, I mean what kind of discussion is that to have about your siblings? But then I heard that she hadn’t started it, and that she came to the conclusion that she would not like to know what life would be like with out either of them. As hard as it’s been in our house over the last couple of months she’s not interested in knowing what it would be like without them in her life.

After speaking to her my mind went there…what WOULD it be like without them? Perhaps we would have more money, more time, less conflict, more quiet time, more date nights…then I stopped and began to think of all the things we would have missed…would be missing.

Things like dimples you could fall into, full body hugs, the constant marvel at how little boy brains work, joyous “Good morning”s and “I love you”’s, funny little faces, cuddle time on the couch watching a movie, splashing in the ocean at the beach, soccer games and games of go fish. I would not have met some of the most important people in my life …my best friend, my soul sister, my adoption mom girls…we would not have family in a country that is now as much a part of my heart as the one we live in.

I would not have thought to lead a mission trip to Ethiopia, or met the people that are now etched in my soul. I would not be working on another trip…praying about even more permanent involvement there.

So we move forward, we keep praying, we keep searching for the ways we can help N cope with the current upset. We keep working towards the goal that will help him be comfortable in his own skin.

So when I think ‘what if?’ … I shudder…

Loaves and Fishes...

I have been thinking alot about what orphan care looks like lately.

There are obvious ways...like adoption...but there are so many other ways as well.

It's not just about caring for the child after he/she becomes the orphan...the goal I think is to stop the reason's there are orphans in the first place. Yes I totally realize that on this side of heaven we will not be able to stop that from happening completely, but we can sure work on making a dent in the issue.

There have been times... and I still have moments where I think the issue is just too large. But then I think of the story of the boy and the star fish.

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

by Loren Eiseley

I look at the eyes of baby Helen's mother and think...it's too large. I think of baby M still waiting for her mommy and daddy and think...it's too big (and God why can't I have her?!). I read stories of children living in a dump scrounging for food to survive and think...how can I possibly make a difference. I look at the face of my stunningly beautiful Bizu whom we sponsor and think...is it enough? I hear stories of babies in orphanages that are left on cribs day after day and think...how can we make a difference?

We do it one at a time.

Have you read about Jesus feeding the 5000? If not check it out here John 6:1-14.

Jesus wasn't surprised that that many people showed up. Can you imagine the thoughts of the disciples though? It's too large, there are too many people, we can't possibly feed all of these people...they even said as much to Jesus. He calmly asked them to find some food, and he would provide. One small boy offered his lunch and became part of a miracle.

That's what He says to us. Find a loaf...look for a fish... I will take care of the rest. Be my hands and feet and I will show you my provision.

The mantra that goes through my head constantly when I think there isn't possibly going to be enough is "Loaves and Fishes...Loaves and Fishes" He will take what each of us does and multiply it, but we must take that first step.

Here's an awesome post about a couple of ways you can help right now: Acts of Kindness

Be a part of Orphan Sunday.

Attend the Mid-Atlantic Orphan Summit.

Pray about how you can offer your meal and see how Jesus will multiply it...so that it's bigger than you can imagine.

God's Heart

This picture is one of the many reason's I will be going back to Ethiopia. I didn't think anyone had gotten a picture of this moment... of this time that had me moved for the rest of the trip.

This woman has leprosy. That's her baby...she was one month old. Her name is Helen.

After loading up all of our supplies into the van to deliver to families, this is the first home we stopped to visit. We walked around a corner... where the views were spectacular... to see this tiny little hut. Her husband was sitting outside missing parts of both legs and badly in need of a prostheses. Everyone was standing outside listening to his story when one of the translators stood at the door to their home and asked if anyone would like to meet his wife. I was the first to walk into their home.

It was smaller than my bedroom, maybe 9 x 9, dark, and hotter than hades inside.

These eyes are the first thing I saw. Can you see the despair there? I immediately walked over to her, sat down to put my arms around her. I will admit to a fleeting second of being aware that she had leprosy...but that was only a second compared to the pain I felt in sitting next to her feeling so so helpless.

She understood no English, but I asked if I could pray for her. At this point others had crowded in and we all held hands and prayed over this sister. She has no idea what we said...but I know God heard us. I know He hears her pain....

I asked her how she was feeling. At first she said she was ok... then I said "But you look sad, how can I help you?" To which she simply said "I am sick". Crack...break...splinter...there goes a piece of my heart.

She is but 1.... just 1...of the millions... of reasons I have to go back... I have to... God has opened my eyes and broken my heart and I can do nothing else but go back and do what He asks....