Fun

E loves S's boyfriend...Big E ;o)
S is a great pillow
Just cause it's cute
Look, he even wears them upside down and backwards.

The tough questions

A little history.

My father in law passed away a year ago this month.

He owned an El Camino, the "cruck" we call it.  

He left it to D, and D has been driving it quite a bit lately.

This morning N asked "Momma, when are we going to give Poppa back his truck?  When he gets out of the hospital?"  

I said: "No, poppa's not in the hospital any more, he's in heaven now, remember he died?"  

He said: "Why did he die?"

I said: " Sometimes people get sick and their bodies wear out.  He is in heaven now with Jesus remember?" All the time trying not to associate hospital's with dying since E has been in and out of the hospital so many times.

He said: "I miss Poppa"

It's interesting the things he remembers and talks about.  He hasn't spoken about Poppa in months, I wasn't sure if he remembered, or knew that he had died.  We didn't take him to any of the funeral events because we weren't sure he would understand and we didn't want to cause him any trauma.  But I wondered about our decision then, and still do kind of.  I wonder if it would have helped him understand the concept.  Or does a child need to understand death at such a young age?  I don't really think so.

E has witnessed it in his life.  Wonder what he remembers? If anything?

Sometimes N will say things like "My oopia (Ethiopia) mom used to sing this song to me, or my oopia mom said this, or I did this when I was in oopia."  Since he he did not spend time with her, at least that we know of, I wonder if these are memories, or things he wished he remembered?  

Not too long ago, after we got home with E, N packed up a little bag and said he was going to go visit his oopia mom, and he would see me soon.  I asked him how he was going to get there and he said walk, it wasn't that far. I told him it was too far to go, but that someday we would try to visit her.  He then talked about missing her for weeks afterwards.  It broke my heart.  Not because I didn't want him to miss her, but that he longed for her, and that life that had been changed so drastically coming here.  It's what makes me sad about what my boys will not have.

I think of all the really cool, and interesting things they will get to experience here, I mean heck they have already been on a plane and flown across the world.  But then I too mourn the things they will never know, or memories that will fade. 

I know the questions will get harder, and the answers not always easy.  What I can say with honesty is that they were both loved tremendously and that the decision for them to be placed was not made easily.  That the love we have for their families is great, and the respect immeasurable.  

Life holds questions we may never be able to answer, wouldn't it be SO much easier if we had all the answers?

Sums it up

Check out this song sung on Oprah today....Truer words couldn't be said right now

Joys

I thought  would take a moment to talk about the joys of adoption and of parenthood in general.

I was thinking about one of the last lines in my post on lessons where I said that adoption wasn't for the faint of heart.  I think I need to rephrase that to, "Parenting isn't for the faint of heart". Parenting in general is an ever growing, ever learning process.  It's certainly not the easiest job, nor is there a step by step manual... sure there are a TON of self-help parenting books out there but some how they never really answer the real questions.

I truly love being a parent.  There are so many more joys than not.  Like my Z.  He's almost 19 yrs old, he's hardly ever around any more between college, work and church.  But his life is centered in Christ and in the church.  He didn't even start learning about his faith until High School, and Christ just TOOK HIM OVER.  Now that makes a momma proud. ;o)

My S continually amazes me.  She really has had so much on her plate, yet she is still such a loving, respectful, caring human being.  She doesn't complain when we ask her to help take care of the boys, she helps with the medical care of E, she gives N a bath when the need arises, she reads to the boys and in general constantly amazes me with her blessings.  She's still an almost 15 yr old with attitude and drama, but just when I think we are headed for some rough patches she catches herself and steps up to the plate.  I just LOVE that kid!

N... he was 2 when he came home.  He had all those toddler issues, didn't sleep, threw some SERIOUS tantrums and screaming fits, but from the very beginning he was a love bug.  He used to climb up my body like a little monkey and kiss my face all over.  He's a little big to climb me, but he's still a kisser, and hugger, and snuggler.  He must tell me 1000 times a day that he loves me.  He's a ball of energy and many times has no idea what to do with it all, but he's joyful energy.  He loves his siblings and has embraced E with mostly open arms... kind of depends on if E has a toy he wants...lol

E... bless his heart, he's been through the wringer. He was handed to us 3 hours after we got off the plane and hasn't had a break since.  He's been poked,  prodded, pinched and medicated.  He didn't want to like at first, and honestly I sure can't blame him.  He's been home almost 3 months and he's learning words every day.  He's a love bug.  LOVEs to give kisses too.  Since I have had to go back to work part time he's the loudest when I walk in the door with  "MOMMY!!!!"  He runs to jump on me with hugs and kisses.  He's still not sleeping through the night and he's still a champion tantrum thrower as is N... but he's learning that we are home and family.

Adoption is only part of what makes us a family... but LOVE and the knowledge that God placed us all together... THAT is what makes us a family.  

Lessons...

On this National Adoption month I have such a heart that wants to cry out to others and say... see these kids... see how much they need love???!!!  How can we help??!!

Oh that I could win the lottery ...or have a huge inheritance... or just be independently wealthy I would have a whole house full.

I posted the other day about the boy that died at Big AHOPE ... take a minute to read about this post from a dear amazing woman who met him while there to pick up her daughter.

Gosh, when you ask God to break your heart for the things that break His, he sure does.  

As I have been in the adoption process I have changed so many of my thoughts and perceptions. What do you think of when you think adoption?  There are so many different types. You have domestic open adoption, domestic closed, foster care, infant international, special needs, waiting older children.  Do any of these kids deserve a family any less than another?  I don't think so.  We chose to go to Ethiopia because we felt that God told us our next child was there.  And then we chose to go back because our next son was there. Will we go back? Only God knows that answer, but I sure would love to see ALL of these kids home.  

While we were in ET picking up E we spent alot of time at the orphanage that had the older kids.  They were amazing kids.  One older girl in particular kind of took over E, carried him everywhere, washed his hands, helped to feed him.  Just took care of him.  She was a blessing, and I know she's probably home with her new family in IL now.  So many of the older boys playing soccer, shyly smiling, wanting to talk but not sure what to or how.  The little guy about 8yrs old, "B" who followed us around asking if we were E's family.  I wonder if he also had a family waiting for him?  He helped carry my plate, sat with us while we ate.  Broke my heart in so many pieces.  

We also got to meet M, the 6 yr old girl that we sponsor at little AHOPE. Oh how bittersweet that was. She is beautiful.  My heart just ached as I placed my arms around her tiny little body and hugged her close.  Oh how I wished we were bringing her with us.  We recently got an update on her.  AHOPE has a child sponsorship program that is wonderful.  The updates are priceless, the new pictures, the opportunity to actually meet them, and to also know that you are able to pray that this child find the family that will love them for life.

Adoption isn't for the faint hearted, but it IS in God's heart.  He is the father of all fathers... he knows what we need, who we need, and who needs us.  He "sets the lonely in families".

Our boys didn't come from my womb, but they are SO far in my heart... I feel like the Grinch... my heart has grown 4 sizes too big...lol

November

Wow this is a big month huh?

We have so much personally happening this month, and there is so much globally happening as well.  

1. National Adoption month, with National Adoption Day being November 15th.

2.  It's time to VOTE... in one pretty monumental election.

3. Thanksgiving!!!  I think this is one of my favorite holidays, because it's about being thankful for what you have, it's about getting together to eat yourself stupid, turkey coma, and family... and of course football.

Personally

1.  I get to go back to work full time...soon ;o(

2.  S has her 15th birthday on the 17th.

3. We will celebrate the 1 year anniversary of my father-in-laws going home to heaven on the 17th as well.

4. My parents celebrate 39 years of marriage together.

5.  My little brother turns 34.

My dear friend Cindy has her court date, oh how I pray for a fast date.  And those of you still waiting for court dates... praying for you as well.

This month is one of my favorites, I look forward to the leaves turning colors, family sharing time together, the chill that settles into the air, the special feeling that this time of year always brings.  

I hope to remember each day this year something that I am thankful for... a word, a smile, a shreek of "mommy!", an "I love you"... with a world in so much chaos... I want to remember that life is Better than Good.

 

Fun Saturday

We had a good day ... just thought I would share...