Not all bad...

So... just so ya know life isn't ALL bad.

And the last week or so has been some better. 

And it's really only one that's upset the apple cart... but there were a lot of apples upset! :) Yesterday we had to make the tough choice not to take the family vacation we wanted to because said boy would not make it pleasant for any of us. And frankly that makes me really mad. Cause were were going to visit really awesome people and the boys were going to meet some kids they came home with from ET. So much of our lives have been changed and decisions have had to be made differently because of these behaviors. 

Our other son is doing well. It's not perfect by any stretch, but he interacts, plays with his brothers, cooperates at a normal pre-teen rate (if ya know what I mean) and is generally pleasant and fun to have around. We have moments, we still have a long road of attachment bonding and relationship building, but over all its been much smoother with him. In the beginning we didn't think so...lol we had some really bad moments, but those have calmed and we are working through them.

I think the hardest part is the uncertainty... the wondering if we are doing the right thing, the right way. The effect it has on the younger 2 has been icky too... so we want to make sure we are making all the right choices for them. 

Parenting sure ain't for whimps. 

The middles are both going to ESL summer school for several weeks that we think will help them both.  They speak mostly great English but the spelling and reading is still lacking. Which is totally to be expected with only 10 months home. I mean heck, English is HARD Jack!  :)

So there ya have it...not ALL hard. :) 

And having just broken up the 5th boy argument amongst the others... some of it's pretty normal. :)

Be blessed y'all!

On my mind...

So I have started and deleted like 5 posts over the past week.

So much going on... so much on my mind. Yet none that seems to want to come out in a way that would make sense or come out the way I want it to.

Was talking to my supervisor this morning in our usual check-in meeting and said .. I am almost afraid to say it... "There are parts of life that are really good, yet parts that really suck" I am working on trying to find the middle ground.

I want and try to be a glass half full kind of person. I love life... Even just recently got a tattoo that says "Live the life you love, love the life you live" surround the Amharic word for Joyful. It's above my heart in a place I can see it every day and have it be a reminder of the way I want to live.

Then... there's life. The hard parts.

The ones that can't be shared because they are too close... too raw... not public knowledge.

See I am at a loss again. What to share? What not to share?

So let me share that our little E turned EIGHT years old this week!! Can you believe it??!!

My biggest and littlest... WOW! Seeing this pic and knowing the love I feel for them both ... the way my heart knows them BOTH as my children reminds of me of God's redemption and exceedingly good Grace!

I can also share that we are getting ready to gear up and plan another mission team to Ethiopia with the church! Wahoo!!

So this really has nothing to do with the posts I deleted, but it's all I got for now.

More on mission trips... daycares... and boys... soon

Exciting Ventures

There have been some fun things happening behind the scenes here that have me so very excited!!

A little back story...

April/May of last year I was in Ethiopia visiting my boys for our court appointment. Since the boys were still in school I was able to go do some visiting and ministry checking during that time. One of those times I accompanied my 'lil brother' A to Korah while he helped a ministry teach some sponsored families about an income generation project they were starting. While there I met a member of that ministry named T.

It was fascinating watching the families, mainly women listen intently while their children played at their feet or came over to play with me while they sat and listened.

After he was finished A, T and some of the other leaders and I left for lunch. T was telling me about the families and sharing the mother's concerns about the children and what to do with them as they began working. He said they had been asking for a daycare. Well I knew the org that he worked with and said "Wow, that sounds like an awesome opportunity. I will pray for you all."  

I was in no way interested in looking into a Daycare in Korah... I didn't have time for that! I had just agreed to parent 2 new boys, have a full time job, was working in getting a team to come over in a few months and had just agreed to be in the board for Because Every Mother Matters.

I came home and indeed began praying for them to be able to find the funding for the daycare. In the mean time T contacted me and said "You need to be the one to start the daycare." I said thank you but no. He said I needed to pray. So I did. Then someone else contacted me and said... "I hear you are starting a daycare in Korah"... What?! 

So I decided that perhaps I needed to stop saying no and start praying about the fit for our church. We had been praying for something to fit, something we could do long term and meaningful. So I asked the pastor about it. He prayed and said... GO FOR IT! 

Meaning talk to people... see what they think... are there others that would want to step up and step in? I quickly found those people. 

We put together a budget, a plan, a prayer and a presentation for our church leadership ... can I tell you that while I really love our church that was the most painful and difficult meeting. Money and Christians are not a fun mix.

It was approved to support and we had our commitment for the next 5 years to be the sponsors of the Hope for Korah Daycare under the organization Hope for Korah and Great Hope Charities run by a church in Korah. 

So thankful for this opportunity! So blessed to see this coming to fruition! Finding a compound to fit our needs has been a challenge. But it's been all in God's hands and He's directing the steps. I look back at God's vision to see momma's kept healthy and families staying together and I see that happening here. Families staying together, having hope, seeing a vision for their lives become one of promise. It's a gift! Between BEMM and the daycare literally hundreds of children will never have to have the label orphan. Thank you Jesus! 

If you would like to help support the daycare please message me... and go to the Hope for Korah Daycare FB page and 'like' it!  

Hanging On...and Some Happiness

So our world fell to pieces again after my last post. And since I am working on finding the happy medium of sharing... plus it's just too raw to share publicly...I thought I would spare you.

So just pray for us, we have several hard decisions to make and resources to find for one of our boys.

On the happy scale we have S home for the summer! She came home in April. She's back at working at the parking lot at the ocean front. Pretty brainless and pays well... and it's at the beach. :) She made Dean's List to finish out her year.

Z is doing awesome in his job, completing his license to be a Mortgage Loan Officer! He's looking at a move with the company to another location, but we don't know where yet.

The 2 of them went to London for a week at the end of May. A brother sister trip!! Trip of a life time! :) They had a great time, yet were happy to be away from each other when it was over. Too much of a good thing I guess.

N and E are at the end of 2nd and 3rd grades... no longer babies. E is about as tall as N now!! All long legs and arms. They are so much fun!

D's business is going really well. He's working for himself at remodeling homes. He loves it, he's been able to hire S's boyfriend to help with the bigger jobs and hasn't had to advertise yet! It's all been referral. The ultimate advertising I guess though huh? It's called Fourth Day Construction.

I have also started a second work passion. I am now working with Rodan and Fields as an Executive Consultant.

Can't wait to share more about that and the daycare we are opening in Korah and the work we will be doing  with Because Every Mother Matters!

This week D and I celebrate 20 years of marriage and my grandfather's 95th birthday! Exciting week!

See ya soon...

Looking back...

I have spent the last couple of days looking back over my blog at all the ups and downs and ins and outs of our adoption journey to bring home A and B.

I now kind of wish I would have been able to find the words to talk about the process of life since then... but honestly I am not sure what I would have shared. Still trying to figure that out.

It could be that I just don't have the words. We were so excited about bringing them home. Wondered and prayed and begged and fumed and cried. I feel like God knew what he was doing in making us wait... He knew what we would be dealing with and was trying to prepare us... I sort of feel like He was up there looking at us, listening to our pleas saying "really.... just wait... it's not gonna be easy kiddos. TRUST me on this one" then like any good parent He finally gave in and was like "ok... I warned you"

Many of you know Jen Hatmaker and read her blog, cause she's good!! Here is a post at their one year mark http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2012/08/21/the-truth-about-adoption-one-year-later


We are still in Stage 2...
"Stage 2: Spaz Out (4-6 Weeks – 3-4 Months)
Who knows what the straw on the camel’s back will be – maybe one more food he hates, maybe one final conversation he can’t decode, a moment of discipline, just a smell might trigger it – but something will happen, and your little one will finally lose it. Honeymoon is over. Once the damn has broken, it will flood for months.
There is screaming, kicking, hysterical hysterics. There is wailing and tantrums and full-out meltdowns. You may chase your beefy 8-year-old down the street where he ran screaming barefoot into traffic, throw him over your shoulder and lug him back home where the two of you hunker down for the next two hours, drenched in sweat, while you hold him tight and whisper love into his ears and he thrashes and yells and finally passes out. It is so helpful that your husband is out of town on this day.

Your sweet one is grieving. This is sorrow and loss and fear and trauma; it is visceral. It is devastating. You and your spouse are haunted, unshowered, unhinged, unmoored. You stare into each other’s eyes, begging the other one to fix this: What have we done? What are we doing? What are we going to do?

The house is a disaster. Your bios are huddled up in the corner, begging grandparents to come rescue them. You can’t talk to anyone. Everyone is still beaming at you, asking: “Isn’t this the best thing?? Is this just the happiest time of your life?” You are starving for truth-tellers in adoption.You scour blogs and Yahoo groups, desperate for one morsel of truth, one brave person to say how hard this in and give you a shred of hope. You only find adorable pictures and cute stories, and you despair. You feel so alone. You’ve ruined your life. You’ve ruined your kids’ lives. Your marriage is doomed. Your adopted child hates you. You want to go back to that person pining away in the Pre-Stage and punch her in the liver."



I do kind of wanna go back and punch me in the liver... 

Some of the trauma things I just can't post. The ways it have manifested in our home I can't share. The way they have left me curled in a ball on my bed sobbing uncontrollably. We have chased down the street, held 13 yr olds as they raged and other things we hadn't truly believed we would have to do. Naive I guess? 

Did we think we would be having all sunshine and rainbows with dancing unicorns? Oh heck no!! Did we know it would be hard? Yes we did. Hard to prepare for the reality. Hard to look back at those sweet smiling faces and remember the joy and excitement we felt. 

Third Day's song Tunnel comes to mind.... praying for a light. 

Knowing that there is one... 

And promising I DO have other good stuff to share ... coming soon!!!

Some good stuff....

So it's not all been hard stuff... :) Here's some super cuteness for your viewing pleasure....

Where we began... Food

I had to laugh after my last post about people not reading the blog any more :) Cause it's not like I have been very faithful in blogging. So that's y'all that are still hanging around ;)


So we didn't have much of a honeymoon with these guys... not sure if it was because they were already sort of comfortable with me from the visits... or if we were just 'lucky'?


Or biggest issue was food. We didn't prepare ourselves enough ahead of time to be able to accommodate their un-expected American food aversion. They didn't even like the stuff most kids do like McD's or just plain old rice. It was all different and they hated all of it... OR would put berebere (Ethiopian spice) on it ALL so that it basically masked all taste and killed their taste buds.


We were blessed with some Ethiopian friends that were willing to help us with food. Made us injera and some wats so that the boys wouldn't starve because they would literally just not eat instead of try foods.


One more so that the other... one of the guys would try and found that he likes more than the other. Is still that way... A great eater. Will even now eat green vegetables because he is wanting to be healthier.


I think one of the harder parts was having the younger guys watching us work with the older guys yet still having to eat the things they don't like. Ya know, life just isn't fair right?! :)


Trying to find the balance of helping them feel comfortable with the food, stay healthy, and yet not allow them to control the situations was an interesting dance. A lot like the Cha Cha... one step forward 2 steps back.


Happy to say they both eat almost everything we make now, and while we still incorporate Ethiopian foods, we don't quite as often. The boys have both grown like crazy and now have favorite American Fare... and always compliment me on my attempts at Sega and Doro Wat.

8 Months home... Life is Hard

I just went back through a bunch of old comments. :) I am not even sure that there is anyone that's still reading this... or even how long I will be able to keep this up. SO SO much has happened and is happening. We came home on Sept 23, 2012. We had a beautiful homecoming. The boys settled ... for a few days. Then.... the honeymoon was over. It was like the honeymoon we had for our wedding... short and sweet. All the changes were too hard for them, food was too different, rules were too strict, gifts didn't come quick enough and clothes were not good enough. Not every day was bad, we had some good times. Enjoyed some laughs, had some bonding, enjoyed language learning together. We went to the beach for the first time. We went to the park and to visit family. We learned how to ride a bike. Started school and played in our first snow. Then the kids realized that family life wasn't as easy as they anticipated and we realized that teen parenting was harder than we anticipated... although we had done it twice before. We read all the books and did the required home work, read the blogs and looked for the answers. We are now 8 months in... it's not easier.... we are now in some much harder areas. Many I can't share because of the nature of them... and many I may attempt to share because while I still believe that older child adoption is needed in SO many ways... I believe going into it with real information is also mandatory. Even my sharing won't necessarily help... I was just telling a friend this morning who has been there done that, that it's very much like trying to describe a roller coaster. I could tell you exactly how life will be with a teen... every bump, hill and valley and still you wouldn't ever truly know what it's like without actually riding it. So.... if you are looking for more information about the older child adoption... the one that isn't all rosy and easy transition come on back... :) If not...well I am not sure how many are reading this any way and it's more for my release than anything else :) Talk to ya soon...

We are home!!

We have been home almost 2 months now... gosh do I neglect this blog!! Wonder if anyone will even read this...lol It's been a real time of transition and growth for us all!! The boys are sweet and want to integrate ...yet of course still miss Addis and all that they have ever known. Their English gets better all the time... and so does our Amharic. Our biggest struggle was food choices to begin with... everything tastes so different here and that's hard to get used to. We also have had issues with boundaries and rules and what it means to be in a family. Adoption related, new life related... hormonal pre-teen boy related things have led to many a Cha Cha... 2 steps forward 1 step back... 2 steps back 1 Step forward... it's always a dance. The boys are all integrating well and learning what it means to be brothers of many. E has had the hardest time because he isn't one to take crap from anyone. And the boys are so used to instigating and picking in usually a fun way!!... but still annoying to a little brother. So he just doesn't deal with them...lol N is learning that there are other kids to show off for... a bit overwhelming and hard to share for him some times. Over all the first month was one of those holy crap what did we do... kind of months. This second month has been much better...easing into a routine. A and B have made friends with the son of dear friends of ours and they spend afternoons with each other. Gives us all a bit of a breather and we are all happier when we come back together. It's been such an amazing blessing. I will try to post a bit more ... share more of what the adventures of older child adoption... it's sure been a ride :) I will also share pictures soon!! WE are having family pics done on Saturday... so excited about that! Many blessings y'all.... or whomever is still reading...lol

THEY ARE COMING HOME!!!

I am so sorry I have taken so long to update this thing... it would mostly have been whining and I do enough of that on FB...lol

But yep... you read that right... TWENTY ONE MONTHS after the beginning they are coming home!!!

I leave Friday morning to head to Ethiopia... my Embassy appointment is on the 17th and then... We are HOME on Sept 22!!

Hub's is staying home with the kiddos and holding down the fort while we are gone.... he's so amazing at that and such an awesome house husband!! :)

Thanks for all that have checked in and loved and prayed for us!
I will make every effort to come back and update much more after we are home with all our new family fun..


Until then......

Waiting...

Have I shared with you in the past that I am not a good waiter?

Well... I am not.

I feel like I need a WA meeting. Hello my name is Andrea and I am not a good waiter.

I miss my boys. Period. It's time for them to come home.

A has to go through a test to see if he has TB which will take another 6 weeks and then I am not sure what then happens with the Embassy.

B's paperwork is waiting because the person in the government office that's supposed to do it is 'out' ... who the heck know for how long. Seriously I am NOT in love with the fact that important government people can just be gone... when ever ... for as long as they want.

Ready to have them home!!!

We had to move our fundraiser to a blog instead of the Charity Site because it went down please visit here A Long Way Home to donate... and please share on your blog if you can!

Blessings!!

Help Us Bring them HOME!!

We are having a fundraiser to bring our new sons home... can you help? Or share on your blog if you feel so led? :)
B's Birthday is on June 7th and we can't think of a better birthday gift for him. Can you spare 13.00? To help him home?

Go here to see how!!

And then there were 2 More!!!

We are so excited to announce that we are now the proud new family for B and A ...!!!

A little back ground on our story….
We were a family of 4. Two parents, 2 kids and a dog…the kids were teens and life was comfortable.

Then God had other plans. He shared the story of adoption with us through Steven Curtis Chapman’s family. We decided to move forward…after many mountains were moved we were able to move forward with the first adoption of our N at the age of 2 years old in December of 2006.

While we were there we fell in love with the people and the country and decided we needed to go back.

Two years later we began the process of adopting our second son who had been a waiting child for more than a year. He became very ill while in the country and wasn’t expected to make it. Our pediatrician gave us the grim news after reading his charts from Ethiopia that he wouldn’t live. We gathered in the living room as a family to pray.

E survived but his road to health was hard and long. When we landed in the states after only knowing him for 5 days we spent the next 12 in isolation and then many others with Dr’s and surgeries. But he’s healthy and strong and hardly ever ill any more now.

Last year in January we decided to take the leap one more time…only this time we knew there were 2 more, and that they would be older kids. I, Andrea, had been to Ethiopia leading mission trips and I knew that the older kids were the ones that needed the love and homes…since the littles are usually scooped up first.
Through prayer God helped us choose A and B, not related boys through the agency that we had used for E’s adoption.

I went to meet the boys while on a mission trip in June 2011 with my daughter and mom, dad stayed home to take care of the other boys, cause he’s good like that. 
Final paperwork was filed to get the boys submitted to court in July …. Then ….. nothing.

November came and in a desperate plea I asked for a Christmas gift to go back to see the boys and see why our papers weren’t moving.

We were told in December that both boys needed to have their files completely redone which could take months.

Those months stretched to May 4th when we were given the rights to parent both boys in Ethiopian Court. Almost a year to the time I met them for the first time.
In the mean time we found that Dad, needed to have surgery … this has taken a huge toll on finances we had saved for our return trip to bring both boys home in July (our hopeful time frame) … so we are asking for help from those that cannot or choose not to adopt but want to help in some way to bring them home.
So that’s where we are… and why we are asking…

Thank you for reading! Thank you for sharing! Thank you for Giving!


And we now need your help in a huge way! We are raising funds for the trip home. Please check out our fundraising site... we need 5500.00 to get them home... we know he will provide!!

Our Un-Shower ... Thank you for your help and for sharing this with your friends!!

COURT!!!

Wahoo!!

Finally got a court date!

After much back and forth and me and about the end of my rope... God knows huh?... we got a court date!!!

This is technically for A because miracles of miracles he was the one submitted. They are working very hard to get B's case done. There is a piece of paper that needs to get competed so that we can talk to the judge about both of them.... I am still not sure how that will work out.

I am leaving on April 23, our court date is May 4 and I am coming home on May 5. Twelve days ... still doesn't seem long enough, but I cannot wait to get there to see our boys and my A's and new friends to meet. :)

This court date means that if we pass we will be declared their parents... then we wait another 8-10 weeks to pass Embassy and can bring them home... in a perfect world we will have them home before the end of July. He can do it! He can move the mountain!

I am going alone for this trip... but D will come with me for the Embassy trip and to bring the boys home.

Please pray with us that we are able to get this piece of paper for B. The orphanage director for the place that needs to get this paper is apparently very ill... or recovering from an accident... I am not sure which. Either way he could sure use prayers for healing. He moved A's mountain... Lord we ask you to move B's mountain!!

Ethiopia... HERE I COME!!!

Random Catch up Stuff

Well, first news is that I am not going to Ethiopia at the end of March. That was a tough blow!! When I was in ET with the boys in November I felt for sure that we would be back there in February to get our court date done, as that dream started to fade, I made plans in my heart to go at the end of March. Hoping to go with the BEMM team and see the boys at the same time.

I was getting pretty anxious... and then madder than heck at our agency who could not seem to coordinate conversations so that I could make those plans and get the ball rolling.

It is extremely frustrating to be told you will hear something repeatedly and then not hear it. Or only get a partial answer. I was about at my wits end when finally we got the news that we could not schedule an appointment with the judge during the time that I had hoped to be there. I was heart broken... and the news came on the day that I think my hormones were at an all time out of wackiness... I think I could have crawled in a hole and stayed there. I did just go to bed and cry.

The next day though, I was feeling much better and a little annoyed at my drama...lol

We got further news though that we SHOULD have a court date in April!! Praise the LORD... now I have to be careful not to refresh my email too much. :)

There is a meeting Wednesday to see about that last piece of paper for B's case. Please pray with us that we hear good news about that... and we are able to get his case submitted too.

On another fun note. We went out Saturday night with the kiddos to the mall. D needed new shoes, we went to dinner and S needed some make up stuff. There is an indoor play place in the mall that the boys love, and it allows them to run off some steam.

D was looking for his shoes so I took the boys to the play place by myself. As I sat down, I noticed a 4some sitting down the way from me. I knew right away that they were Ethiopian. I was so excited... except I have this very odd shyness when it comes to asking people where they are from. No one believes me when I tell them that... but it's true. So I text D to hurry up... cause he doesn't share my shyness.

He came and sure enough... they were. Turns out that one couple pastor's an Ethiopian church here locally... WHO KNEW WE HAD ONE?! and the other couple is actually half Ethiopian half Philadelphian. The man is in the military and met his Ethiopian wife in Italy. We struck up a wonderful conversation and exchanged phone numbers. It was so so cool!!!

The young woman married to the military guy was so so sweet! She said she feels lonely sometimes and we chatted and talked about getting together. They all said they would help me learn Amharic, and we could help them with English. :) AND they have a social get together every 2nd Sunday of the month.

Yes... some day I will get over my shyness.

When we parted the young momma gave me the biggest hugs and kept saying "I am SO happy, I am SO happy" Thank you God!

On another cool note... remember these posts after my first mission trip to ET?

http://4blessed.blogspot.com/2010/04/friday-at-leper-colony.html

http://4blessed.blogspot.com/2010/07/gods-heart.html

We have been given the privilege of becoming a sponsor family for them. What a way God touches lives huh? I was talking to my brother T in ET and he said that the momma was very sick, and I asked him about a sponsor family through Adoption 1:27. We are so excited about this opportunity!

ok, I am the one excited because I feel so connected to them... this just makes my heart feel so full.

On home front news: S is preparing for graduation, prom and her senior trip to Disney... wow! She is a senior!

The boys are extra excited about Spring and Summer and cannot WAIT for their brothers...lol they talk about them all the time.

Well.. that's about it for the catch up. Praying for B's paper work and to hear something about our court date.... oh on a side funny... D mentioned to me the other day that perhaps he would go to Ethiopia this time and I could stay home.....??????............. To which I said "Have you not lived with me over the past several months?! Why would you even THINK such a thing?!"

Silly guy...

Hope to post good news soon.

It's a no go.... again...

Well...

Didn't get any news.

Still waiting....

Still don't know why B's case is waiting on 1 paper... where it's coming from or why?

Still don't know if A was submitted?

I am beyond frustrated...

I did get an email from our agency last night that expressed frustration on their part too with the non answers coming from ET. Our rep will be in Addis this coming week and if we do not hear from them beforehand... we will hear from her personally by Friday. At least that's a step...

So... KEEP praying for us and for them.

Could it be????

Looks like A's paperwork is going to be submitted to court this week!!!

Just a few short weeks ago we weren't sure we would have ANY papers to submit, and this week they will be placed in the court system!

B's papers still have 1 stinkin piece to be completed. I think it's a dreaded MOWA letter?... but I don't know.

It's been a really long 8+ months waiting to be submitted to court.. it's almost surreal to think it may actually be happening.. This mean that we will be in Ethiopia within the next month or so!!! WAHOOO!!!

We hope to hear something about B's paper this week.

What they will do it submit Abel's papers this week and then as soon as B's are done they will submit his, and then make sure they know that the 2 are together. D and I will only have to go for one court trip, and then wait for them to pass.

PRAYING they both pass quickly then are submitted to Embassy to be home by June??? One can wish right?!

This means though that we need to start getting busy with making the money we need to bring the boys home. We need to get busy working on selling our Africa's in my etsy shop.... or you can see them on my facebook page. PLEASE SHARE IT! :)

We also have a very cool partnership going on with my dear friend... she is making amazing trivets and coasters. Please check out her page and see what you might like... SHARE it too... PLEASE :)

We will need about 2000.00 to pay for their tickets home... thank you for your prayers and help!!

This journey seems to have a light at the end of it's tunnel!! Praise GOD

Hope Comes in the Morning

It's funny that when God gives you insight, He then gives you some semblance of peace.

We have found out that A's paperwork is completely finished and B's is only one piece away from being ready for court submission. It's a miracle!!!

It looks like we may have a court date in March...or at the very latest April! SO excited about that.

The conundrum is that I was planning to go with BEMM to meet the momma we sponsor and to spend some time with the ministry as well as work on some other things while there in March... and at this point it's on hold. I TOTALLY trade getting my boys with that... but am still a little sad to possibly miss that.

It also means that we need to come up with the money to be able to travel 2 of us, instead of just me.

Gotta get some Africa's sold!! :) Please check them out ... and share with your friends if you aren't ready to buy one yourself. :)

I CANNOT wait to see my boys again and be able to for REAL call them our sons.

Grief

I have struggled.

Seriously, struggled these last several months.

I can't begin to describe to you how I have felt other than unhinged, emotional, and unsteady.

When we found out in December that it was possible that we would not be A's parents it kicked into high gear. The waiting and wondering, the praying, the crying out to God... the feeling that my heart was being ripped from my chest.

If God had not set into motion a relationship a year ago that's flourished into one of family and love... then A would not be now moving into court submission.

I have text a few friends truly concerned that I just could not get a handle on my sadness and ache for all that is in Ethiopia. I am a momma with her arms empty of 2 beautiful boys who I know and love. Have met and hugged and kissed and had call me mom. I have seen their smiles, and tears... I have seen them interact with their friends and nannies. I have watched them with my big A's. They have been grafted into my heart... and they are not here.

I grieve what they will miss. I grieve what they will no longer have. I grieve the special bond that is between Ethiopian people.

Yesterday I had an aha moment.

I believe I grieve so strongly because my boys are going to need me to understand. They are going to grieve it too. They will on a level I will never understand.... but I KNOW... a tiny piece of it. This is some ways gives me comfort... to know that perhaps there is a purpose to my own pain... yet it makes the ache for them that much deeper.

My boys are going to need someone here to GET that what they miss is a piece of their being.

B with his boundless energy and sweet shy smile... and A with his soft voice and sweet demeanor... will for sure have many wonderful opportunities here... but it doesn't replace what they will no longer have.

They will no longer be in an orphanage you say? Well no, they won't but those people have been their family for more than 3 yrs each... they have bonds... they have roots...they have family there. It's sure not the same as family, but it's what they know.

So I am learning to embrace the grief... feel and cry myself through it.. because my boys are going to need me to cry with them ... grieve with them. And we will heal and grow through it.

Moving FORWARD!

So excited to say that we are finally moving in the right direction! :) So excited!!!

The mountain we needed to move was moved. God is so very good!! And He's contining to make things happen.

On the home front there's exciting things happening as well. The boys got their report cards yesterday and N got is first EVER O for Outstanding in Work Habits!! :) And E is now above grade level in subjects that just weren't clicking for him before!! How very cool is that?!

S has been promoted in her her job which means a raise and more hours which is awesome considering the fact that she now has a car payment. The joys of adulthood huh? We are picking out prom dresses and planning graduation.

Fundraising for my trip to ET in March with Because Every Mother Matters AND too see the boys.

Here is a sample of one of the newest creations:

It's 18"H x 17"W each are had distressed and stained so no 2 are exactly the same. The proceeds go towards my trip. 45.00 plus shipping any where in the US. Let me know if you want one... they go pretty quickly! :) LOVE IT!!

Thanks for your prayers and your support!